Friday, March 14

Dr. Gas and Smoke

Since September we have been dieting. Well, dieting is the wrong word. Its more fo a lifestyle change.

This all started when Steve's crazy mother decided to tell us we were too fat (which we already knew). However crazy she may be, she know what motivates us. She offered us $20 a pound for every pound we lost. What? Money? Sure, I will stop eating!

In looking for a tool to assist us in our change, I was led via Google to We have both been impressed with the results we have had.

At this point she owes me over a thousand dollars, but I am not convinced I will ever see it. No matter, I am getting thin and healthy!

We have also tried to quit smoking. It lasted about a month. I was using Chantix, and after about a month, I didn't like the way it made me feel to I got off of it. I started smoking again, but not as much as before.

So, yesterday I go into the smoke shop we frequent (Gas and Smoke Depot) to buy a pack of cigarettes. Now, we have been going to this place for about 4, wait, almost 5 years now. The guys that own/run the place are a couple of nice Korean gentlemen. There is an older guy and a younger one. The younger one is horny. He constantly showed us pictures on his phone of half naked women, naked women, scantily clad women, the whole she-bang (pun intended). He gave us many lighters with half naked women on them. Ew.

Finally one day he asks why I don't have a girlfirend?

"Are you gay?" Joking

"Why yes, actually" HAH!

"Oh. Uuhhh..." Speachless"

I grab my change and go. Jeez, took him long enough.

So yesterday I go in and the older Korean Guy is working. I haven't seen him in a while and he says, Wow! you have lost a lot of weight!

"Yeah, about 50 pounds. I have less than 20 to go."

"No." Looking at me. "Don't loose any more."

Umm...excuse me? "I think that will be good." Refraining from saying "You haven't seen me naked." (trust me, its there to loose)

"No. No. Too thin. You will loose too much."

Ugh. "Well, my Doctor says that will be the right weight for me."

He is still shaking his head unapprovingly. I grab my smokes and leave.

In all fairness, he has only known me as a very overweight guy, and after loosing 50+ pounds, you will look thinner, amazingly so and it might be shocking, and I will probably look that much better. But 20 more pounds, and I will be set. And will look better too.

Did this guy get his doctorate at Hollywood Upstairs Medical College?

Tuesday, March 11


I was just outside having a smoke while I was at work. We has this small smoking area in a corner of where our two buildings join together. It has been recently fenched off with a chain link fence and gate. (This doesn't really matter to the story, I am just setting a scene.)

So, there I stand, reading an article on my iPhone (interesting article on about a new book where the author studies Chinese food and its Americanization.) I hear this squeaking noise. I look around, see nothing and figure that its just the wind rubbing something up against a chair. I heard the sound again. I turn around. A rat is standing opposite me...screaming at me. Well, not screaming, but squeaking. Loudly. He looks at me and runs into his little hole. I let out a little "AAhh!", becasue that is what you are supposed to do when you see a rat, right?

When I came inside I emailed our maintenece guy who has quite the vendetta against the rats lately. Hopefully he will hunt down the cute, squirmy little bastard.

Monday, March 10

Last Stand

I have read The Stand, by Stephen King many, many times over the years. The first time being on a road trip to Reno with my parents when I was about 13 years old. Great story, and very entertaining. However, this is the first time that I have started reading the book and by chapter 7 coming down with a cold. What a difference experience! My cold started as chest congestion, moving into coughing and then sneezing fits. It has immersed me into the story like never before. For better or worse, I highly recommend that the next time you feel a cold coming on, go out, buy a copy of the book and settle in for a whole new immersion of a story that you likely already know.

Saturday, March 8

Heeeres's Goldie

One Saturday morning, I decided to get a Sunday paper when I made my weekend morning Starbucks run. I never do this, but for some reason I picked it up.

After going though the paper, I was dicking around in the want ads section and saw an ad for a free Golden Retriever. So after some amount of discussion, and passing it by Marlena ("Do you want sister girl? Huh, Marlena? A sister?! Yes, you doooo, huh?") we gave the number a call. The dog was 6 months old (actually 8 months, but whatever) so she was only a couple months younger than Marlena. The people giving her away didn't want any money for her, they just wanted to ensure that she had a very good home. They had recently moved to a house in Duval and had a small yard (by small I am talking 9 feet by 2 feet, and the people were gone very often and the dog didn't get a lot of attention.

So after being questioned, we all packed up into the car and headed out to Duval. Now, why anyone would move to Duval to buy a house without a yard is beyond me. I am talking about 40 minutes outside of Seattle and in cow country. It just doesn't make much sense to me. I mean for the amount that we paind for our house, you would buy a house on an acre. But whatever, I dont have to live there.

On the way there we were discussing names. We figured that we would keep the dogs name once we got her, just to make it less confusing for her. On the way there I cursed us:

"I hope they haven't named her something stupid like Goldie."

Yeah, so when we got there they introduced us to Goldie. *Sigh* Oh well.

She was very standoffish of us in the house, a little growly and would not take a treat from us. We had them bring her outside and meet Marlena. She tolerated her fine at this point, but seemed to ignore her for the most part. She warmed up a bit to us when we were outside. We decided that we would take her. We promised to keep her name...I figured, why not, we could call her Goldie Hawn. (How gay is that? One dog named after a soap opera and one named after Goldie Hawn.) Ans she actually came with papers! A purebred Golden! For free! Woot!!

Once we had Goldie in the car and driving away from the house where she had lived, its like all of that standoffishness just want away. She sat on her side of the car and Marlena on the other. She stuck her head out of the window and looked happy. No tifts, not a sound out of her and she was wearing her Golden Retriever smile.

Once home things progressed well. We coaxed her up onto the couch with us, which she did not want to do at first. ( I know, I know, bad doggie parents) We had one small fight that night over a treat, but I looked at that as Marlena showing dominance over Goldie as top dog.

Over the next few months Goldie learned about things she had never had before. Toys ( she loves balls, always has one in her mouth. At first she didnt know what a toy was or what to do with it.), kitties (LOVES kitties. She will go from room to room and count them. Devon is her favorite as he will nuzzle on her head and chew on her nose) and GOOD dog food and treats. Not those shitty Milk Bone biscuits.

She loves her kiddie pool, but hates deep water. The photo shown here on the right was profiled on the Seattle PI website last summer and the original owner saw them. She emailed me a very touching note saying that she and her daughter thought about her often and was happy to see that she had a good home. I still kind of mist up when I think about that. I am sure it would be very hard to give up a pet that you loved, especially if its Goldie.


My name is Andy and I have a problem. I love to gamble. (they say the first step is admitting your addiction, right?)

So we were off to Tulalip Casino tonight to try our luck (no skill involved with pushing a button). It was touch and go there for a while, but I doubled my money. At that point I managed to tear myself away from the machine and leave that damn place. Sometimes it feels just too easy when I win. I feel like I am stealing money. Of course, sometimes it feels like I have been anally raped without lube too. I guess it goes both ways.

Apparently someone else had a little addiction problem when we were gone (and no, I am not talking about Marlena and her toilet paper, which she did get by the way). These are the emails we got while we were gone:

"Ang to me
8:37 PM

Look out your window and call us."

Hmm, interesting...

"Ang to me, Suzanne
9:42 PM

OK, you totally missed it. We're sitting in the front room with Cindy, chatting, when 2 cars pull into the culp-de-sac. One pulls in front of Ron's the other blocks the road by parking between your car and Suzanne.

Sure enough, 2nd car is unmarked cop car, and proceeds to cuff driver of 1st car. They hang out for a while, searching the car, using their flashlights... After about 20 minutes, they knock on Ron's door, the arrested guy apparently hands over his keys to Ron (or other occupant) and the cops take him away.

No flashing lights, no big fuss, but definitely a big issue. No one was watching except us nosey neighbors."

ARRGG!! Every time there is police activity in the Sac, we miss it! Damn!!!

Friday, March 7

Seoul, We Have a Problem

So Steve, being half Korean, has a Korean mother. If you are familiar with Margaret Cho's impression of her mother you have an insight to about a tenth of the total crazy.

I remember the first time I met her, about 10 years ago, I was so nervous and frankly stressed over my first impressions with her and the way I was dressed. I worked for Eddie Bauer then and I think that i was wearing a yellow check gingham shirt a t-shirt and jeans. I don't know that she even remembers that meeting, but I do. It went fine by the way. It took her about 5 years, after Steve and I lived in China together, and spent every moment possible together when we got back when we were both unemployed while we lived at our respective parents houses, for her to realize that Steve and I were a couple.

I remember the phone call we got at our rented condo in Eastlake. Just Steve saying, "Yes, mom. I know. Mmmhmmm. But... I...You....Fine...But...Yeah...But..." and on and on in that strain for about 45 minutes. She didn't talk to us for about 6 months, about the time it took her to get pissed off at Steve's brother. Who is married and now has two kids, at that time it was just one. Generally if she is talking to us, she is not talking to the brother and vice versa.

Over the years we have learned to get along and all seems to be going well. I have been adopted into the family, and times it seems like she likes me more than Steve.

Until she gets drunk.

After she drinks, (who knows when she starts, but it reaches critical drunkenness at about 10:30pm during the work week) she feels the need to drunk dial Steve's phone. She can't fathom why he doesn't pick up. For God's sake, its a cell phone. You should get a land line! Then you will pick up! What if it was an emergency?!

The thing is, we let that phone ring and then check the message that she leaves, make sure its not important, and then turn the ringer off and go back to bed. Invariably the messages go something like this:

"Steven! Why do you not pick up the phone! I can't believe that I call you and you do not pick up! you should pick up when I call you. You are a terrible son. Terrible son! What did I do to have such horrible sons! I am a terrible mother. What did I do wrong?! Why are you and your brother so disrespectful! You should answer the phone when I call. You should get a land line so when I call, you will answer. You are terrible! Horrible! I am a bad mother. What did I do? I don't approve of your lifestyle. (what the hell?!) You think I like Andy, but I only tolerate him because of you. Horrible son! You should pick up the phone when I call."

At that point the time runs out on the message and she calls back and leaves the same message, almost verbatim. What, does she have a script that she follows when she is drunk so she can hit all of her points she needs to make?

So Steve will listen to these messages (usually a few days later) and will be pissy for a day or two. Its totally not his fault and I understand why he would feel bad after that.

He has told her many times to stop calling after 10pm. Has told her not to call when she has been drinking. Has told her to bugger off (not in those exact words [she wouldn't understand that]). So now we are at the point of cutting her out. Of our lives. Period. Not like that will do any good. She will be back. Calling us in the middle of the night in about 2-3 months. Leaving the same message. Over and over. And Over. Again.

Thursday, March 6

Introducing Marlena!

Marlena is the first dog that we have had as a couple. She is a purebred (supposedly) Golden Retriever. We had been thinking about getting a dog for some time. I was a bit apprehensive as having owned dogs while growing up, I knew how hard it was to raise a puppy.

We were in Kitsap county one day visiting my family and we grabbed a local paper, saw an ad for Golden Retriever puppies and had to go check them out (stopping at the cash machine on the way, of course). We got to the house on the outskirts of Bremerton and were shown to the back yard. I sat on the edge of the patio waiting for the guy to release the hounds. SIX young Golden Retriever puppies come running out of the house, all jumping over each other and racing up to me wanting to lick.

There was one puppy that had the cutest curly little ears. And soulful brown eyes. She was also hiding under a patio chair hoarding her treat from her brothers and sisters. This was going to be our little girl!

With the new puppy in tow, we stopped at a BBQ restaurant and had dinner thinking about names. The puppy, of course stayed in the car.

The two names that I remember discussing were Ndnd,pronounced "undunda", of Omicron Persei 8 (a Futurama reference) and the other name was Marlena. Evans. Dr. Marlena Evans. From Days of Our Lives. A freaking soap opera. Now granted, Ndnd was from a cartoon, but still... A SOAP OPERA?! Well, Marlena stuck and when we got her dog tag, it had to say Dr. Marlena Evans.

She is quite the dainty flower now, weighing in at a hefty 85 lbs. She is very fun loving and loves to lick. And eat tissue paper. Used tissue paper being the preference. She likes to watch TV and to play with her sister (by adoption) Goldie.

Let's Stave off the Boredom, Shall we?

Wow. So I have been at work for all of 28 minutes and I am completely caught up with everything that I need done. *sigh* I wish my boss were her so I could ask her to leave.

One of my coworkers is going to do the Escape from Alcatraz Triathalon. All, I can say is, Holy Crap dude! (View his blog here.)

Jokingly he said I should do it. I seriously hope he was joking. I mean, yes, I have lost 55 lbs since September (20 more to go!!) and I am sure that I look much better now, but let me tell you...I have flab. I am soooooo not toned. Endurance? Um, no. My idea of good exercise is getting on the treadmill for about 30 minutes and going up to maybe, MAYBE, 5 mph. Maybe. and lifting some dumbells for 5 minutes at the beginning. All this so I can eat more calories!

The Escape From Alcatraz Triathalon is a mile and a half swim in San Francisco Bay. You jump off a perfectly good ferry into the (sometime) shark infested waters. Once back on land, its a half mile run to the first transition point.

From there you hop on your bike and ride for 18 miles. 18 MILES! You have got to be kidding me. After that (good lord isn't it enough already?), it is an 8 mile run. If that wasn't bad enough, there is what is called the Sand Ladder toward the end. It is 400 steps straight up the side of a fucking cliff. How in the hell can anyone do that? All I can say is good luck, Perry!

Wednesday, March 5

The Looooove Boat

Four years ago when we were looking at houses we found this house in West Seattle. It wasn't easy. I think that the Real Estate agent that had listed this house had, 1) never been here, 2) never set foot in West Seattle and 3) was an idiot. The directions were terrible. We were driving around for about an hour and fifteen minutes and finally, on our way home, we found the street that led to our cul de sac. Completely lucky! 

We pulled up and the owner of the house was here doing some touch ups. This was his parents house and his mother had recently passed away, so he was prepping some things for the house to be on the market. I think that it was just listed that day. We park, get out of the car and look around. The house is situated on the side of the cul de sac and is one of 8 houses that were built in the 1950s.

We step into the house and out of the year 2003. Starburst Clock! Shag Carpet! (OLIVE!!) Gold Appliances! More Shag Carpet! (ORANGE!!!!) Metallic Wallpaper! Giant Woman Head! (part of a smoking billboard in the garage)  

Fan-Fucking-Tastic. We placed an offer on the house within the next 2 days. (Dude! There were hardwood floors under that shag carpet that had not seen the light of day since Woodstock.)

As we are getting the house inspected we are chatting up the inspector. 

"Did you guys ever watch the Love Boat?"

Steve and I look at each other. What the hell was this guy talking about? "Yeah. All the time"

He points to the yellow house which is clearly visible from our front yard. "You remember Julie McCoy? The Cruise Director? Yeah, she lives right there."

Incredulous. "Yeah!?" Skeptical. I mean its a nice neighborhood and all, but lets face it, the ghetto is like 3 blocks away.

"Yeah. I did the inspection on that house. It came up in conversation that she was on the Love Boat."

"Please tell us the house is OK!"

We moved in a month later. It turns out that we were the first people in the neighborhood to know that Cindy was actually Lauren Tewes. Julie Freaking McCoy! KICK ASS!!

So over four years later we are all very close in the neighborhood. Get togethers, pot lucks, summer parties, drinks on the lawn, etcetera etcetera.

Tuesday, the first season of the Love Boat came out on DVD. Cindy had been in LA since Monday doing some press for the new release. She had just gotten back and popped over to our house with a copy of the DVD. She received quite a few copies in the mail. Cool! Now these women on American Idol need to hurry up and sing so we can immerse ourselves in the 70s! 

Loooooove, exciting and new.
Come aboard, we're expecting you.
The Loooooooove Boat!